I don't like to b***ch around seriously personal things in my blog or to my friends (except for julie and mugi - sorry guys for becoming my victims!!!) but this time, I just gotta do it. Perhaps for some unlucky bloke who come across reading this can learn one thing which is: JUST SHUT YOUR TRAP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!
I spent my weekend helping and participating my cousin's weeding. She's a doctor waiting for posting and she's the only cousin from my mom's side whom is the same age of me (19 ++) and with her being married, that leaves me as the oldest unmarried cousin (ding! ding! ding...! there goes the boxing bell!!!) and the elders just love to put that into perspective....happy as I am to be my cousin got married with a pretty nice guy in my opinion but if I can summed up the experience of the wedding it would be...If God created living hell on earth, I can say I've been there 2 days ago.
I can't really blame my mom for worrying over me. She earns the rights, I'm her daughter and frankly speaking, I ain't do much to improve my love life. But just please take one second in my life. I'm currently two weeks away to finish my degree but my workloads are as high as the Fiji mountain. I live on burgers for meals because it's fast and I use my facebook to see what my classmate are up to. Now how on Earth will I have time to mind my love life????How do I find the time to gear up to meet the bachelors??? Even if I went, I will not be able to enjoy because my mind will wander about the work. Even my social time is totally empty. I can't remember the last time I went for movies or the last time I hung up with my friends at mamak. Looking at this situation, it's pretty understandable that I can't find anyone.
But actually I am not mad at my mom, also I am not mad at my situation. What I am mad about is whenever this matter is brought up but some elders, it will end up of me being guilty. I tried to see it as a loving gesture but after one bomb after another, I started to resent it and I actually thinking like I'm the sacrificial lamb for the occasion. Here are their reasons: Number one, because I'm loud and obnoxious and that's not the way a 'gadis melayu' should behave. Number two, because I am too choosy and no one is good enough for me. Number three is I am focusing way too much in my dreams that I abandon this matter. So for sitting there hearing everything being thrown right on your face do makes you feel like you wanna to punch everyone you've met that day. Is it really pathetic being 19++ and single??? Is it really bad that I don't feel like getting married now??? I am not gonna lie, seeing the fancy dress and the celebration do stir up my heart...do make my heart ache for it... but to abandon all reasons just to catch up with something that I can't control??? I am not gonna do that...
When I was being attacked of being not 'gadis melayu', I feel like I am gonna scream 'How dare you to judge me like that!!!' Strictly speaking, if I were to accumulate the contact hours that I spent with them in a year I would say like 10 to 11 hours. So based on that, you think you got me figured out from A to Z??? Do you even know that my favorite color is brown??? Or I am ridiculously afraid of cockroaches??? Or I love to read and buy people's biography??? So just back off!!! I know I am loud, I'm wild and I like to have own opinion and I am DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!!! And isn't it a cheat on yourself to change to someone not you just to have someone to like you??? Isn't it a cheat on your future partner if you're masking yourself and hide your true self? Those people have no idea how hard for me to love myself. I spend these last years of my life hating to look into the mirror. I suddenly got serious acne problem and it pained me just to look at it. Even more painful when someone made a remark of it. Sometimes I even think that one of the reason that one of ex was cheating on me is because of that. And because of that, I started to resent the other part of me, I started to feel like I have a clown-size nose, a flat out bottom and whenever I look at other girls, I resented myself even more. And it pained me when I am not able to confide this to others. Just when I started to gear up and love myself for who I really am, 'acnefull' or 'acneless', here they come shooting me down. Couple of times I thank God for blessing me with inner strength because it is the only thing that keeps me from being shattered. The same goes for their comment of me being choosy. How much they know about my life??? Do they know how much I tried to repair my first relationship when I found out that he was cheating on me and it came down to nothing because he cheated on me again??? Do they know how much I struggle loving a man who is not a Muslim and constantly reassuring him that I love him for who he is and also end up with nothing because he's too coward to face the talk and resentment from our families??? Do they know any of that??? After all I've through, don't I deserve to be a little bit choosy or in other word 'careful'??? Don't I deserved to really look out for myself because I am so tired of being stomped at my heart??? Don't I deserve that??? Do they know that I've once wished that let all bones break except my heart because I think any broken bone is painless compared to when your heart get broken...
And for living on my dreams right now...I really want to ask them do they gain anything if I do get married???? Or maybe they have a running bet on me, let's guess how many years it will be till Nico got hitched??? Because what I do with my life is my business and my matter. Plus, I am not doing anything stupid with my life. I am not running away to Thai to become a stripper or just lazing at home, getting fat and getting wasted. I have a dream to see the world, to educate myself better and to gain as much experience as much as I can while I'm still young. Perhaps these dream do hinder me to settle down because I think it's unfair for me to have a time of my life while someone else is just waiting for me to come back. For me that's not how marriage supposed to be. If I can find someone to share my dream and my wish, I'll consider settling down. But it's also unfair if he's living on my dream and not his. I can't do that to someone, especially if that someone sincerely loved me with all his heart and soul. It's too cruel and demeaning.
So please people, before you think you know why someone is being in any unfavorable situation, I beg you to think again. Because you think you know, but most of the time you have no idea. I'm ending this with a clip from one of my favorite movie 'The Holiday'. Hear what Kate Winslet talked about her broken heart and think, what you feel if someone you love said that to you after you asked her/him about their love lives? Think about it...
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buat masa ni, satu saja aku nak kau tanya pada diri macam aku tanya pada diri aku sendiri.
ReplyDeletelepas aku kawen, diorang akan berhenti bertanya dan mengganggu tak?
akan ada tak soalan soalan 'bila bini nak ada isi?' 'bila nak tambah anak lagi' and so on...
orang mesia memang budaya nya 'mengambil berat tentang hal dalam kain orang lain'. bukan kau tak pernah usaha. kan? aku ya, aku tak usaha.
tapi kerja tuhan siapa tahu.
beb, kita [aku, kau, dia...julie la] dalam kes yang sama tetapi situasi yang berlainan.
tapi pedihnya tetap sama.
that's the thing mugi...
ReplyDeletesometimes i do feel like people here love feeding on other people's misery to ensure themselves that they are better than the others...stop comparing people!!!
i used to x amik peduli all their comments but after 3 days in a row of bashing and bashing and bashing...it does affect me and having you and julie to comfort really helps...thanks babe, i owe u a lot...
new layout~
ReplyDeleterefreshing!
hehehe...
luckily, sebagai lelaki, orang tak berapa nak ambil peduli selagi tak berkepit dengan lelaki atau belum ada anak selepas dua tiga tahun berkahwin.
tapi,
walaupun sekali sekala je orang sebok2,
sekali sekala tu lah yang pedih!
perempuan lebih terseksa.
aku tahu.
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MARRIAGE LOVE SPELL
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miss joy
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ReplyDeletemark Andersen, Seattle, new york
ReplyDeleteGreetings to every body that is reading this testimony.
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ReplyDeleteTim
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my lover is back with the great help of priest okdou he help me cast a spell that brought her back to my arms, in just one days. my lover left me with our only kid and now they are back, once again i want to thank priest okodu for his wonderful spell am now a happy man. you can contact the great spell caster on his email: okoduspelltemple@yahoo.com
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ReplyDelete(1) If you want your ex back.
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