I hate...

I hate flu and sore throat,

It worsen my blues on Monday,

But then I realize it’s me that I hate,

For not taking of myself until it’s too late.

I hate traffic jams and red lights,

They are so irritating and a waste,

But then I realize it’s me that I hate,

For not planning my journey first ahead.

I hate my mother for questioning my head,

Sometimes I wish she never care instead,

But then I realize it’s me that I hate,

For not being a daughter that she craves.

I hate getting my heart to be stomped and break,

For weeks I cry myself to bed,

But then I realize it’s me that I hate,

For letting my heart takes over my head.

I hate the wars, betrayal and hate,

People got killed and innocent blood is spill,

But then I realize it’s me that I hate,

For only talking and just remain still.

I hate the way I wrote this entry,

The lines are dull and the verse is fake,

But then I realize it's me that I hate,

For caring the outer not the intake...

Assumptions...

My life has always been a drama. When I did my diploma in Polymer Technology, I always ended up having to explain what is it all about. Now that I'm heading to new direction, most of the time when I've met someone new and saying that I'm doing TESL, I get all sorts of assumption and comments about being a TESL student. Here, let me share a bit of facts about us...

First off, let's start with the wrong assumption...

1. Seriously we don't know everything about English. Have you ever heard the phrase 'the more you know, the more you don't know?' It's true for us. Maybe we are blessed for being 'officially' credited as proficient in the language but believe us, we are not Noam Chomsky or Stephen Krashen or the other 'gods' in language. We do make mistakes now and then. And it really helps us if you understand especially when we help our friends with their assignments or thesis. If you're thinking of asking our help (which is something that some of us love to do), please note the following:
a. Don't beat around the bush, simple is the best. When is too flowery, we get confused.
b. Please don't ask us to paraphrase too much, especially if it's a thesis about scientific things. Our brains are not made for technical stuff.
c. Do check your thesis first before you ask us to check. Sometimes you can check your own minor mistakes. That way, you'll learn bit by bit.

2. TESL is not easy. I get tired of people jeering at me by saying '4 years and all you learn is English?' I know it's just 'English' but reality people, we are actually learn English, we dissecting English. It's like doctor dissecting bodies to learn. We cut the language into pieces and learn bit and bit of it. From the study of meaningless sound (phonetics) to morphology (collection of phonetics) through pragmatic and syntax and linguistic, every puzzle is explored and studied. It changed the way the see and hear conversation. And plus the educational section, sociology, psychology and everything, it is very tiring and hard indeed. But one good thing about it that is a visual subject. Most of us can make the connection of the theories with our life experience and the reality out there. It helps in TESL if you remember a lot of your time as students.

3. We don't speak English all the time. Well at least, my batch. We love to converse in our mother tongue. In fact, my batch always get reprimanded by our lecturers because they often hear us conducting our discussion and argument at TESL square in Malay. Or at least, we code mixing, we often use Malay as our base and add English words in between lines. For us, is the way to relive the way we used to be. We study, write, reflect and argue in English all the time and outside, it's just nice to not speak in the language.

4. We are not westerners wannabe or I am not westerners wannabe. In fact, studying TESL made me realize how much I love being an Asian. With the wonders of cultures and beliefs and our way of life that can simply accept anything as fate instead or westerners who always thinking of 'WHY ON EARTH THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!!' Being a proud Asian keeps me balance, physically, mentally and spiritually which is an aspect that most westerners lack. Don't believe me, read their literature! They rarely connect god with their life. But us, we live our lives through our values, beliefs and laws. It gives control and rationality.


Now let's go to the right assumption

1. We are crazy about movies, books, songs and culture. We are in debt with the literature subjects, because it makes us see all those things in different light. We love to study the theme, the issue and what makes all those things tick. What makes it irresistible and what makes it not. Most of us don't mind spending our money in all those things because for us, it's a representation of what went wrong in the world and what can be done to fix it.

2. Not all of us want to be teachers. That is very true to the very core. In fact, most of us have no idea what to do after graduation! Some of us (including me) has been shone the light during practicum but for others, the world is still options. Usually, they tend to work in PR or continue Master.

3. We sometimes use the language to our advantage. Sometimes when we are tired or furious of bad services, we use English to attract the attention. Preferably, we use our best English, it invites intimidation to the other party. It works a lot in fast food, cinema, reservation and also government matter. Try it, it's good...

4. We are bunch of thick headed people. Probably because we get commented all the time, we end up having not to care much what others think, it's just a waste of time. But we do mind some things like but not so much. For me it's ok because most of my friends are not the 'jaga tepi kain' type. That's what makes me so comfortable, we do not pass judgment to each other. Isn't it better this way?

So that's it, some things about me and my friends. All I can say about being a TESL student that it's been a bless. I choose to do TESL instead of working in an American firm and trust me, there's not been a day that I've regretted it.

If...

I hate the word if...because for me it symbolizes regret, cowardice and ungratefulness. But I always wondered if I can relive or have the power to choose in my life...What do I really want? And why? But aside from what I will be written next, I still am grateful for the life I have now, for sure it's not the best but still I consider myself to be lucky and well compared to others...here goes...

If I can choose I want to be born during...
- the age of golden Hollywood era. The period when they made the classics that I love. I love movies and I always wondered what does it felt like to watch the premiere of the great classic like Gone With The Wind, Casablanca, Ben Hur...That time, film is all about the strength of the plot and powerful acting. It's the things that they can afford, they can't have bombastic effects, CGI, blockbuster and such. It's all depend on the script, the direction and the acting. For me, that's good literature. But I do experience great movie premiere in my life. Can't forget The Return of The Kings, The Dark Knight and next week, Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince, can't wait!!!

If I can change my childhood...
- I should learn to master a good skill. Like dancing, playing guitar and maybe poetry reading. Being young is nice, everything inside you are fresh, your senses are developing and like Malay idiom, melentur buluh biar dari rebung...I always wonder if I do have one talent, it would be such a good outlet and stress release for me if I'm down. Let's say if I can play the guitar, whenever I feel down or bored...I can always find ways for soothe myself, to do something I'm particularly good at...

If I can relive my school time
- Maybe I should study harder...and I should take English literature for my SPM instead of Arabic because I am complete klutz with it. Then I would fall in love with it sooner than I've known. I probably should be more vocal of what I can do. I always known that I have the thirst to prove myself but seeing the school favoring 'The Gods' for everything, I keep my trap shut. It was during university that I finally able to quench my thirst but hell, it's ok...

If I can change my physical appearance
- I would like to be a little taller. I would love to have a little less oily skin so that my pores doesn't explode like mad!!! I wish I have a stomach that never gets hungry so that I can use my money for charity instead of food. But still, I do find myself liking the way I look. I may not be the hottest or the most beautiful but I do think I have great qualities. Like my smile, my ex-students said it's infectious and also, my small thigh. I can fit into slim fit pants without any problem! Of course, bigger boobs doesn't hurt anyone so it's ok for wishing it I guess...

If I can wish anything for my friends...
- I wish them to never change for the rest of my life. I wish Aliaa for always being here for me and can stand my stupidity for the rest of her life. I wish Azrol will be like I always see him, the adorable clueless but empathic to the end. I wish Abg La would stay to be simple as he's always been when we first knew him and Shimi would always hang out with us with his brighter than sun yellow crocs and keep doing the first thing he does everytime he sees us, he would nudge Aliaa's head. But it wasn't fair for them to not change because of I wish it. I'm just a little pieces of their lives and they are free to lead their lives as the way they see it fits. And as a friend, I shall continue to be supportive and happy for whatever they decide to do. But still, I considered myself to be lucky because I have friends that I can proudly pronounce to be friends with me for the rest of my life...

If I can have another job beside teaching...
- I always wish that I can live 5 times...so I can be 5 different persons. I can be a teacher, a writer, a theater director, a restaurant owner and a zoo keeper. I can experience live in 5 different areas and perhaps 5 different cities and 5 different kind of satisfaction. But I know, beggars can't be choosers. We are beggars in this world because it's all just a loan from Allah. So I end up choosing the best out of the 5 options right now, which is teaching. But still, it wouldn't hurt to still trying to do the others, restaurant owner especially...

If I can be experience world events...
- I want to be in the crowd during 31th August 1957, when we declared independence. I want to be in the crowd when they torn off Berlin Wall, I want to be present when our beloved Prophet reciting his last sermon and I want to attend the opening of Rose Theater, the place that Shakespeare used to debut his plays. Lastly, I want to be in crowd when they were shooting the chariot race scene in Ben Hur, I love that scene so much!!!

If I can have all the riches in the world...
- I want to provide my parents a good life. I want to see all the wonders in the world before it perish, the wonders of Giza, The Great Wall, the aurora sky, the Grand Canyon...I make sure that I give to charity and to ensure that every kids deserve proper education. I make sure the orangutan, the whale, the panda and such are repopulated. That's material wise...if I were granted riches in spiritual wise, I want to share it with the ones that I loved so that they will never get hurt and lead their lives with calmness in their lives...

If I can choose the manner I die...
- I will agree with Grissom choice. I don't want to die in a car accident or being kill and such. I think I like to die from a long illness. So that I can set my affairs and said proper goodbyes to the one that I love. If I want to die sudden, I would like to have while doing something noble, like saving someone from burning building or during childbirth...but in whatever manner, I hope I can leave the world with the blessing from my god and my family and friends....

good teacher...bad teacher

I think I can be considered as a good teacher because:

1. I love teaching (or at least, I love exercising power to younger minds)
2. I love to take a spin on teaching like use many materials and fresh stuff
3. I think I'm pretty knowledgeable, I know that there are mutant lobster which is very rare, I know that hazelnut and Brazilian nut are not nuts but actually seeds, I know that Hannibal Lecter is modeled after several real-life serial killers like Ted Bundy.
4. I'm young and I think I can follow the trend of the youngsters (but duly noted: I may not like it for example the shuffle, the Jonas Bro craze or Edward vampire thingy)
5. I don't mind traveling far to teach. If they want me to escort them to camp by all means yes!!! I can upgrade my camping stuff!! Even better, if I have to escort during class period!!! Ha ha, cut some thing loose once a while!!!
6. I make jokes...enough said

On the other hand, I think I can be a bad teacher because:

1. I am very bad in remembering names and faces.
2. I have a nasty temper
3. I hate to mark homeworks except literature and essay homeworks
4. I hate meetings and get myself to organize
5. I hate office politics
6. I have difficulties to wake up early in the morning

So...am I a good teacher?
Or a bad teacher?

nicology (i used nico because izzatiology sounds dumb)

Share.

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by "ology".

IF I TAGGED YOU, PLEASE PUT THIS UP ON YOUR PAGE AS A NOTE AND TAG SOME OTHER PEOPLE! (That's mean u, azrol and aliaa!!)

***********FOOD-OLOGY*****

**********

What is your fav salad dressing of your choice?
- thousand island...

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
- domino's

What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
- J.CO Oreology...

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
- crunchy thin crust beed pepperoni with a lot of chilli flakes...

What do you like to put on your toast?
- peanut butter, nuttella, blueberry jam

**********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many television sets are in your house?
- bangi house, we have 3, shah alam house 2...

what color of cell phone do you have?
- classic black

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
- left, got it from my dad

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
- i clipped my nails, i cut my hair, i shave...

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
- my responsibility and I haven't put it down

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
- yep by my headache

************BULLCRAP-OLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
- no, live the day with surprises!!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
- nope but I want to add something different from other name, like Nur Castella Izzati or something

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
- not worth it, that will not cover my one month budget

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
- right one, one

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
- never had it, i'm a good girl, I am

Last person you talked to?
- Yuha, my housemate

Last person you hugged?
- My ex-students

**************FAVORIT-OLOGY****************

Season?
- summer

Holiday?
- The one I can travel

Day of the week?
- None

Month?
- January, my birthday

***********CURRENT-OLOGY*****************

Missing someone?
- my old sanity, my ex-students and someone...

Mood?
- busy...assignments plus AE!!!

What are you listening to?
- Temani aku, sheila on 7

Watching?
- my monitor

Worrying about?
- wonder my the tingling sensation is a real thing...

***************RANDOMO-LOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
- bathroom

What's the last movie you watch?
- Silence of the Lambs, it puts the lotion in the basket (I love that quote...)

Do you smile often?
- I think so

***************QUESTIONS*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
- no, I always away when it rings but when I'm around it never rings

2) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
- Use to have someone does that

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
- I'm wearing colored lenses, it's misty grey and it makes my eyes to have an indescribable color, perhaps you can tell me what color is it

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
- WTH is Sonic?

5) Do you own a digital camera?
- nope, I have a curse with digital things, keep them away from me

6) Have you ever had a pet fish?
- yes, once I got a kaloi that we've kept from a tiny winy and it changed to a big fat thing

7) Favorite Christmas song?
- hmm...the one by Mariah Carey

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
- Just to know that something good is gonna happen to me and happiness to all my family and friends...material wise - a holiday package!!!

9) Can you do push ups?
- yep, I need to do it now and then, I'm getting fat!!!

10) Can you do a chin up?
- never try, I should, it's good for cardio

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
- both but I'm ready for it

12) Do you have any saved texts?
- yep, mostly sweet messages from my friends that remind me that I'm not alone

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
- yes

14) Do you have an accent?
- I can pretend I have

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
- menghitung hari, kris dayanti...truthfully everytime I play it I end up in tears

16) Plans tonight?
- AE, chap 2 dammit!!!

17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
- lots of times...and I managed to climb the cliff up back again...so toss me down for all I care because I got magic claws

18) Name 3 things you bought in the last week
- my colored lenses, scarf and food

19) Have you ever been given roses?
- yes, during convocation

20) Current worry?
- can I grad by the end of this year? please tell me whether I'm feeling is real???

21) Current hate right now?
- abolishing the PPSMI and making other subjects to pay to add English hours. The beauty about language is we can always incorporate it with other subjects. Why separate and makes the other subjects pay???

22) Met someone who changed your life?
- my friends, my ex-students, my exes...

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
- hoping that it will not be a crappy year

24) What song represents you?
- hmm...I think Tiada lagi tangisan, I miss the moment of singing it in Aliaa's car. Life is so easy back then...

25) Name three people who might complete this?
- I have no idea!!!

26) What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
- sleep

27) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
- dah azan suboh ke???

Last semester...

Coming back to classes this semester bring double meaning to me. Number one, I've missed going to class last semester due to practicum and number two, this is supposedly my last semester, providing if I am not doing any mistakes that can cost me a fortune.

This feeling of graduating is completely different from what I've felt when I did my diploma. Maybe because it is signifying the real ending of my studying years which is something that I've been doing since I was 5 or 6 years old. I'm not saying that I will not step back into studying but perhaps it will not be immidiately after this. I don't know whether I'm happy or sad. I'm more incline to feel both actually. I yearn to gat control in my life after this but at the same time, the price of freedom is overwhelming.

Still, I feel that I am a lucky person to have such a wonderful time especially during my study duration in UiTM. Of course it was smeared with pretty bad incidents like fights, slanders and bad romances but all in all, it made me who I am today. A person that is able to stand in front of the mirror and likes what she sees in herself. (Although, she does hope for her blemishes to vanish but she's trying). But nevertheless, I am proud of being me today can hope for a better me can still emerge from this.

Even though it's the final semester, I am not counting for my adventures in the world of deadline and assignments to be over. I think there's still few adventures left to do like graduation party, the very last paper of final exams, Academic Exercise fiasco and who knows perhaps, a chance of a new romance...?

(P/S: I'm writing this blog during my CALL (Computer Assisted Language Learning) class. The lab is freaking cold and I am freaking bored...